social media has made me less social

I always say I’m antisocial, but I don’t actually think that I am. I think I am physically antisocial because mentally I feel like I am being social. Does that even make sense? Let me try to clarify. Using social media means I am plugged into other people’s lives and the happenings around me, and that little bit of connection to the outside world has taught my brain that it’s enough. Sometimes social media can even be overwhelming to the point of causing me anxiety, so I check out of real life even more, but I still remain checked in to other people’s lives online.

In a world of categorizing personalities, I would say the term that resonates with me the most is extroverted introvert. I have always had a level of confidence and comfortability with communication that means I can, and will, talk to anyone. Can’t find something at the grocery store. I’ll ask a clerk. Need help with something in school. I’ll ask my teacher lots of questions. However, working in customer service for so many years has taught me that my bandwidth for human interaction is pretty low. When I am at work in a customer facing job I am 100% on at all times, and when I get home I crash. Do I need social interaction? Yes. But do I need a lot of it? No. I genuinely could go a week without talking to anyone other than my boyfriend and be fine. Eventually I’ll feel the itch to be social, but once that itch is scratched with one night out with friends or a quick weekend trip to see my parents, I’m right back to being happy in my little bubble.

I was talking to my boyfriend this morning and I mentioned that I think this is actually a bigger issue than I thought. I don’t like talking on the phone and my friends and family know this. I’m not going to call anyone on a whim just to have a chat, and if I do it’s probably important. If my friends post on social media my brain immediately assumes that I’m up to date on their lives. I also think subconsciously I assume that when I post on Instagram and they see it, that it means they are caught up on my life. But that couldn’t be further from the truth. One Instagram story will never get across the amount of information a 10 minute phone call could. We all know social media is a highlight reel. Instagram is where you post the good shit. It’s not like Facebook back in the day when it was the Wild West where people would post their every thought, good or bad. I know I did it this. If I was annoyed, I’d post it on Facebook. If I was happy about a weekend activity I did, I would post it on Facebook. Eventually, I’m sure it just felt like whiplash to those seeing what I was sharing. One day it would be great, and the next it would be an absolute shit show. That is how consuming social media feels, but on a global scale. It’s fucking exhausting and confusing as shit.

My boyfriend and I are both very emotionally aware people. Our moods are dependent on all the things around us, and when something is off we feel it. When we both are having an off day it’s difficult sometimes. I know for a fact that seeing negative things on social media can affect my mood and the way I show up (or don’t) for the people around me in real life. If I need to be there for my boyfriend having a tough day, I can’t also be trying to do the same for 25 people online I don’t know, while feeling like my mental health is tanking. I’m not saying that complicit ignorance is the way to move forward, but it just means that I need to be aware of the fact that other people’s sadness, or fear, or anxiety affects me. Consuming content on social media really exaggerates emotions, and some days it feels like the world is caving in.

The last thing that I want to do after a day of work, in addition to feeling battered by the chaos of the world, is be social in real life. I don’t have the energy to show up as a good version of me if I’m overwhelmed, so I don’t even make an effort to get out. Therein lies the problem, and in turn, in glaringly obvious BIG BOLD letters, the solution. I need a break. I deleted Pinterest. I deleted Facebook. The last (and definitely hardest to let go of) is Instagram, but I have to in order to unfuck my brain.

p.s. there is a very real possibility I delete all social media and still remain unsocial, because well, I am a home body… lol… but at least when I do go out I can be more engaged with everything around me.